Our Little Green Chair

It’s 4:00am.  Simon is awake.  Something startled him and I’m not sure if it was a bad dream, or teething pain, or any number of things that upset babes.  Most nights when this happens, he can easily be comforted by a gentle voice, a stroke on the cheek, or a bottle of milk.  But, not tonight.  Tonight he calmed down only when I was holding him, but the minute I laid him back in the crib, he started crying again.

Normally, I would bring him to our bed, to be nestled close to Mommy and Daddy for the night, but Grayson already occupied the middle of the bed and our little queen bed just didn’t have any more room, so I brought him to the green chair in our living room.

With a first child, most parents painstakingly spend hours planning and putting together the perfect nursery, as did we.  I researched all the different cribs and ruminated on the variety of finishes available.  I carefully chose the nursery colors and Justin patiently accommodated all of my requests; even installing crown molding and a chair rail in the room.  Above the chair rail, I had picked a golden yellow, as bright and sunny as a summer sunflower.  Below, I chose a regal red; dark, but warm.  The red was particularly stunning as Justin created beautiful stripes by alternating every other vertical line in matte and gloss finish of the same color.  For the bedding I chose a farmyard design by Kimberly Grant; bright and colorful with various textures and stunning embroidery, but the height of the nursery was a custom ordered Lay-Z-boy chair.  Unlike the typical Lay-Z-boy designs, this particular style was fashion forward.  It was a recliner with a swivel base, it was down filled, and was covered in beautiful moss colored faux suede.  It was the culmination of my masterpiece, the nursery for the baby for which we waited so long.

We were not able to bring our sweet baby home from the hospital.  He was born into God’s loving arms and left us for a nursery more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  Traveling home that sad day from the hospital, I don’t think I spoke a single word.  When we arrived home, our house felt empty.  Many of the gifts and preparations we made were hidden by well meaning family and friends.  In a matter of days, they hid from sight what took us months to prepare.  But, not the nursery.  There was no way to hide the joyous time we had preparing that room; the nursery furniture so carefully chosen, or the green chair for which I had planned to rock our babe to sleep and to cradle him as he suckled at my breast.  My heart was broken but the only place I found comfort that day was in his room.  I walked in, sat down in the green chair and cried.

Weeks went by, then months, and then years.  The nursery was left untouched, hopeful that another baby would come to use it but none did.  Circumstances changed and life moved forward and we found ourselves looking to make a long distance move to a smaller home in a far off state.  It didn’t make sense to hang on to furniture that might never be used so we placed an ad on Craigslist and sold it.  We sold everything, except the green chair.  It had been my spot when I felt most alone, the only space I could turn to in our house where I felt connected to our angel.  It moved with us and before long we found ourselves expecting again.  Life was moving forward and our little green chair found a new purpose in our home.  

Our green chair remained in our living room and has been a source of great comfort for all who have used it.  Three children have been given to us since we lost our first child and many nights have been spent rocking babies to sleep in our green chair.  It has been my favorite spot to nurse our children and now that our children are growing older, it’s seen its share of stains and wear.  It’s been professionally cleaned once, but the marks of childhood always return.  It’s been bounced on and the arms have been pulled on so much from children climbing into my lap that the arms give way if you push on them.  It’s not uncommon to find me snuggled up with all of our babes in the chair, watching a movie or reading a book.  Even when we have other children visiting, they somehow find their way to the comfort of our green chair.

Tonight is no different.  Simon was not comforted by my gentle voice, or by song, or by nestling his head in the curve of my neck.  No, tonight, Simon wanted and needed the gentle rock of the green chair.  I’m tired and I know that morning will come soon and our other children will be ready to start the day just moments after I drift back to sleep with a baby in my lap.  That’s okay because right now my busy toddler needs me and I need him.  I can smell his hair and feel the warmth of his skin and I’m reminded of an old saying, “We give comfort and receive comfort, sometimes at the same time.”  I think back on all of my original plans for our little green chair and reflect on the fact that God had greater plans and has filled our little green chair in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  And so now I sit, comforting Simon in my arms, while I, too, remain content and comforted in the arms of our little green chair.