Our Little Green Chair

It’s 4:00am.  Simon is awake.  Something startled him and I’m not sure if it was a bad dream, or teething pain, or any number of things that upset babes.  Most nights when this happens, he can easily be comforted by a gentle voice, a stroke on the cheek, or a bottle of milk.  But, not tonight.  Tonight he calmed down only when I was holding him, but the minute I laid him back in the crib, he started crying again.

Normally, I would bring him to our bed, to be nestled close to Mommy and Daddy for the night, but Grayson already occupied the middle of the bed and our little queen bed just didn’t have any more room, so I brought him to the green chair in our living room.

With a first child, most parents painstakingly spend hours planning and putting together the perfect nursery, as did we.  I researched all the different cribs and ruminated on the variety of finishes available.  I carefully chose the nursery colors and Justin patiently accommodated all of my requests; even installing crown molding and a chair rail in the room.  Above the chair rail, I had picked a golden yellow, as bright and sunny as a summer sunflower.  Below, I chose a regal red; dark, but warm.  The red was particularly stunning as Justin created beautiful stripes by alternating every other vertical line in matte and gloss finish of the same color.  For the bedding I chose a farmyard design by Kimberly Grant; bright and colorful with various textures and stunning embroidery, but the height of the nursery was a custom ordered Lay-Z-boy chair.  Unlike the typical Lay-Z-boy designs, this particular style was fashion forward.  It was a recliner with a swivel base, it was down filled, and was covered in beautiful moss colored faux suede.  It was the culmination of my masterpiece, the nursery for the baby for which we waited so long.

We were not able to bring our sweet baby home from the hospital.  He was born into God’s loving arms and left us for a nursery more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  Traveling home that sad day from the hospital, I don’t think I spoke a single word.  When we arrived home, our house felt empty.  Many of the gifts and preparations we made were hidden by well meaning family and friends.  In a matter of days, they hid from sight what took us months to prepare.  But, not the nursery.  There was no way to hide the joyous time we had preparing that room; the nursery furniture so carefully chosen, or the green chair for which I had planned to rock our babe to sleep and to cradle him as he suckled at my breast.  My heart was broken but the only place I found comfort that day was in his room.  I walked in, sat down in the green chair and cried.

Weeks went by, then months, and then years.  The nursery was left untouched, hopeful that another baby would come to use it but none did.  Circumstances changed and life moved forward and we found ourselves looking to make a long distance move to a smaller home in a far off state.  It didn’t make sense to hang on to furniture that might never be used so we placed an ad on Craigslist and sold it.  We sold everything, except the green chair.  It had been my spot when I felt most alone, the only space I could turn to in our house where I felt connected to our angel.  It moved with us and before long we found ourselves expecting again.  Life was moving forward and our little green chair found a new purpose in our home.  

Our green chair remained in our living room and has been a source of great comfort for all who have used it.  Three children have been given to us since we lost our first child and many nights have been spent rocking babies to sleep in our green chair.  It has been my favorite spot to nurse our children and now that our children are growing older, it’s seen its share of stains and wear.  It’s been professionally cleaned once, but the marks of childhood always return.  It’s been bounced on and the arms have been pulled on so much from children climbing into my lap that the arms give way if you push on them.  It’s not uncommon to find me snuggled up with all of our babes in the chair, watching a movie or reading a book.  Even when we have other children visiting, they somehow find their way to the comfort of our green chair.

Tonight is no different.  Simon was not comforted by my gentle voice, or by song, or by nestling his head in the curve of my neck.  No, tonight, Simon wanted and needed the gentle rock of the green chair.  I’m tired and I know that morning will come soon and our other children will be ready to start the day just moments after I drift back to sleep with a baby in my lap.  That’s okay because right now my busy toddler needs me and I need him.  I can smell his hair and feel the warmth of his skin and I’m reminded of an old saying, “We give comfort and receive comfort, sometimes at the same time.”  I think back on all of my original plans for our little green chair and reflect on the fact that God had greater plans and has filled our little green chair in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  And so now I sit, comforting Simon in my arms, while I, too, remain content and comforted in the arms of our little green chair.

Time for Writing?

It's been months since I've been on here (okay, years), and I find that I miss it...very much!  I enjoy writing and with two little ones and another one on the way (yes, we're pregnant again!), I find that time for writing is even more scarce.

Today I'm in the process of writing and wrapping up all the content for my website for my business, Sarah's Soaps.  As I was looking around on my hard drive for some of my earlier relevant writings, I ran across a book I had started about our journey through infertility and our wait for God's plan for our family.

It's amazing how much emotion I felt just reading the first chapter over again.  Those days seem like a lifetime ago yet are still so vivid in my memory.  It got me thinking that maybe I should pick it back up and finish our story.

Of course, I can't mention all of this and not share at least some part of it with you!  I don't know who follows my blog anymore and considering I haven't had a post in over a year, I'm certain that I get zero traffic these days.  I don't know if my life is any more exciting, but I do think it's more purposeful now that I'm a mother.  Take a peak at the first chapter and, who knows?  Maybe I will finish it.  Maybe I will also start posting on here more too.  Maybe we'll have a new pope by Easter.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  We'll see!

Waiting on Our Quiver

a Story of a childless couple who found that faith and God is greater than science

by

Sarah E. Rose

Chapter One

“In the Beginning”

It wasn’t fair.  She was four and a half months pregnant and her waist was still smaller than mine.  Yet she just sat there and went on and on about putting on weight.  “My legs rub together when I walk,” “I’ve got cottage cheese legs.”  I tried to remain sympathetic, but a hidden part of me was grinning.  That part of me that just wanted to say, “Now you know how I feel.”  Except for me…. I’d never known it to be different.

It is the ultimate revenge of larger women.  The idea, that someday, that cute, little, petite thing would experience the personal pain of weight gain.  Unfortunately for us, all they ever do is put on 5 to 10 pounds and then complain about how their once skinny body has just become a little curvier.  Yeah, we’ll hear them whine for a couple of weeks and then after a diet consisting of water and lettuce, finally watch them “shrink” down from a size six to a size four.

We’ll spend the rest of our dieting lives trying to understand what it would be like if we were them.  Doubtful if they ever think the reverse.

It was a typical day though, and silently, I was amused by her predicament.  Though her self-centered fat-consumed hysteria made me smile, inside I was dying.  She was where I wanted to be.  No, now don’t get me wrong.  I wasn’t jealous of her job or even her size, I was jealous of the bulge she carried around.  I wanted to be the pregnant one.  

I don’t think two people could ever want a child as badly as my husband and I did.  We hadn’t been married long, less than a year to be exact, but we both were yearning for children. We were trying too, but not quite as successful as my smaller co-worker.  We couldn’t tell anyone, they would think we were crazy.  Why, I could hear my family now, “A BABY!!! You haven’t even been married for a year yet.  Don’t you know that it is best for a young couple to wait for at least…. at least five years!!!”  

I never understood the ‘five year’ thing.  You know, all married couples do it.  It's like a right of passage.  Once you hit the five-year mark…. BOOM – baby.  If it happens before the five years – people think, “Oh, that was an accident.”  If you're any later than that ‘golden opportunity,’ people say, “Poor souls, they must have fertility problems.”  It was if the stork took five years to find your house.

We were newlyweds, living on love, luck, and two small, but significant paychecks.  Our ‘first house’ was a run-down rental, maybe 900 square feet, on the side of the highway.  We still hadn’t completely unpacked yet.  We shuffled around boxes on a daily basis, so much to the point that if you got up in the middle of the night to pee, you knew where not to step.

This first little house was a big deal for us.  Prior to our little ‘love cottage’ we had lived in an old 1920’s apartment building with my former roommate, Jennifer (yes, in all these instances, we were technically ‘living in sin’); an efficiency studio apartment (basically a bedroom with a kitchen) in a downtown building; my husband’s parent’s basement; and then my own mother’s house – all within less than a year before we got married.  Our newly rented home was our 900 square feet of paradise.  

The house sat on a hill, about 50 feet from the main highway that ran through town.  To one side of us there was another small rental where a local youth pastor and his wife lived.  Behind us was another rental home; an odd shaped, slightly shorter house than ours.  We later discovered that it was in fact an old Circus trailer converted into the little rental home (curiosity did get the better of us and we went to meet our neighbor one day for the sole purpose of seeing the interior of the house – we had to duck the whole time while inside).  Of course, in front our house was the highway and to the other side a gigantic kudzu patch that sported two main figures – a telephone pole disguised as a giant green giraffe and a dead tree pretending to be the world’s last great dinosaur.  Both were equally dominate and fought control over the small yard on the side of our little love nest.

We moved into this home shortly before our wedding in May of 2000.  So between the wedding plans, church activities (yes, people ‘living in sin’ do actually go to church), the new home, and the war against the intimidating kudzu creatures, we had absolutely no time to unpack, let alone to have a baby.  But, we still so desperately wanted a child; I remember thinking that as soon as we were married we could ‘officially’ start trying.  As a matter of fact, the day before we got married, we visited one of Justin’s stranger friends, Camel, and his girlfriend, Angel.  Angel was a self-proclaimed psychic and insisted that I was pregnant.  I remember very vividly her waving her hand over my belly all the while stating that I was with child.  When we headed back to our home to get ready for the rehearsal dinner, I thought how wonderful it would be if her ‘vision’ was in fact true.  She couldn’t have been any more wrong though; I started my period on our wedding day and it has been an anniversary present ever since.

Here I sat, at work, with this beautifully pregnant co-worker and all I wanted was what she already had.  We were trying; desperately we were trying.  Even in those early days, I was overcome with a sense of fear.  In my gut, I had a sickening feeling, premonition if you will, that conceiving a child would be very difficult for us.  I wanted reason to hope, but it had already been almost a year and still nothing.  Wasn’t this the time when other couples started to worry?  In an effort to ease my concerns and to offer me some minute amount of hope, I stopped at a store on my way home and purchased two pairs of baby socks and a pacifier. 

“Your crazy,” I thought, “You have no idea when you’ll ever have children or even IF you’ll ever have children and here you are buying baby stuff.”  I couldn’t help myself.  A flood of emotions overcame me.  I was hit with happiness and feelings of despair all at the same time.  I wanted two tiny feet to put in those socks, I wanted that little mouth to suckle on that pacifier and nuzzle at my breast.  I was envisioning a child that wasn’t even created, but yet I still felt so much love.  Then reality set in.  Where was this child?  When would this child come?

I kept those socks and pacifier in my nightstand drawer as a reminder.  This was my reminder of why I charted, why I temped, why I tracked mucus changes, and why we had sex at such odd and tiring hours.  Our little ‘love cottage’ was turning into a breeding house and it was very energy draining.  

One night, after realizing that another month had passed and we still weren’t pregnant, I broke down.  I got out of bed sobbing and headed to the bathroom.  I remember the painful cramps, the beginning of my period.  I kept thinking, “This is worse than normal, something is wrong.”  Justin tiredly came to my aid and I crouched in the hallway and wept.  He put his arms around me and asked about the pain.  I knew what was coming, I knew why I was in pain, but I wanted it to be for another reason.  I thought to myself, “At least if I were miscarrying, I would then know we COULD get pregnant.”  What was this?  I was wanting to lose a baby!  I wanted a reason for the unbearable cramps; I wanted to know that it wasn’t just another monthly expression of my barrenness.  I wanted to feel a life inside of me.

This little house had room; it had room for three.  We had an awkward ‘guest room,’ but we both knew it was to be the nursery.  Every decision we made in those early days was done with complete consideration of a family we hadn’t yet had.  Should we buy this car?  Are we saving enough?  Does this job offer maternity leave? We were ready, but still nothing came.  Countless prayer after prayer, and nothing.  Did God even hear us?

Santa Claus Came to Town!

You may remember our recent post about the difficulty in taking our Halloween photos in the pumpkin patch. Well, today we had pictures made with Santa and this time it went much more smoothly.

Surprisingly, Santa had taken time out of his busy schedule at the North Pole to visit the Westfarms Mall in Farmington. Westfarms made Santa at home here in Connecticut with a beautiful Ice Palace and plush throne they had set up for him in the center of the mall. Since we arrived pretty much as soon as the mall opened, we didn't have to wait in line too long, but even if we had, it wouldn't have been too bad. The line curved through a nice activity area for the kids where they could view video footage of polar bears, penguins, arctic foxes, and seals. They even had a snow machine in the middle of the Ice Palace that dropped a light dusting of snow on all the children below.

Ellie wasn't too sure of Santa last year and not much had changed in her opinion of him this year either. So, we put Grayson on his lap first, then Ellie. Not wanting to torment Ellie for too long, we had his helpers snap a couple of photos and then quickly retrieved her. We knew we again would not have any "perfect" smiley photos, so we were very pleased to see we at least got a photo with them BOTH looking at the camera.  Grayson didn't seem to mind the whole ordeal and Ellie recovered pretty quickly, actually she really was only a little upset sitting on his lap.  Score one this time for Mommy and Daddy!

Important Call

I love all things Shabby Chic. I love the vintage 1950s look; it is "MY" era. So when I am presented with an opportunity to photograph my sweet daughter in vintage form, I jump. And, until I ran across it tonight, I had almost forgotten about this darling photo I took of Ellie over the summer.

Ellie has a fascination–no obsession–with the telephone. It started when she was around nine months old. She just picked up one of her toy phones and started talking. I don't fancy myself as a phone person. I'm sure many of my friends and long distance family would say I don't call nearly enough, but for some reason my daughter developed the gift of gab on this electronic device, albeit not from me. She's since developed a true affinity for the "real" phone while ignoring her toy phones if given the choice between the two. She knows the difference. She knows that the cute little dog face and simple tones on one of her many toy phones is not the real thing. She isn't fooled and gets quite upset when I am on the phone and I don't give her an opportunity to say "Hello." It's cute when it's Daddy or any other family calling; not so much when it's a customer or complete stranger.

Over the summer, we visited the children's museum Kidcity in Middleton. Kidcity is unique in that it is not a traditional museum, but rather a place for young children to explore and participate in creative/imaginative play. Ellie seemed to enjoy all of the different play areas–dinosaurs, the Tibetan slide, under sea adventures, and apple orchard–but her definite favorite was the 1950s kitchen/farm stand.

The exhibit was neat. It featured a roadside farm stand with play carrots shoved in rows of cloth dirt. You pick the play carrots, weigh them on the scale, and wash and prepare them in the adjacent vintage kitchen. Ellie, however, was not amused until she saw the telephone hanging on the wall. She picked up the handset, propped her hand up on the wall and proceeded to have a very in-depth conversation with who knows who. She laughed, she cried, she showed concern, and listened intently. It was an intense and long conversation. I couldn't resist capturing the moment.

I'm sure one day we will be annoyed with her phone use, maybe even angry when we receive that first high overage cell phone bill, but, for now, we'll enjoy her unidentifiable toddler speak as she talks on the phone and takes her important calls. And heck, maybe I'll even catch a few of her calls on camera.

~Sarah E. Rose~

How NOT to Take Fall Photos

Sunday we visited Lyman’s Orchard with the express purpose of taking some darling fall photos of the family in the pumpkin patch. I had envisioned it well – the children would be happy, Ellie would frolic around the grounds, we would enjoy some apple cider donuts, etc. I don't know what I was thinking, but my utopia couldn't have been any farther from reality.

Ellie hadn't had her nap yet and had started to doze during the short 25 minute drive to the orchard. Mistake No. 1: Never wake a dozing toddler or allow her to skip her nap. We got everyone out of the minivan and the kids into the stroller and headed straight toward the pumpkin patch; I would waste no time in obtaining these "perfect" pictures of my happy family. Mistake No. 2: Once you have abruptly wakened said toddler, do not expect her to be stating, “Mr. DeMille, I am ready for my close-up.” We toddled on over to the pumpkin patch, got the kids out and proceeded to start the photo session. Now lately, Ellie has been on this kick of holding her fingers near her nose when we take pictures or say the word “cheese.” See, in our house, “cheese” does not mean some yummy pasteurized dairy product – no, no, no, “cheese” means camera. Mistake No. 3: Allowing said toddler to continue to think that “cheese” means shove your fingers up near your nose and pretend to take a picture as opposed to simply smiling and looking pretty for the camera. So with my hopes still high, I continued to make the best of the situation; however, it was soon clear that Ellie was too distracted by all of the people walking around to pay attention to boring Mommy and the “cheese.” Mistake No. 4: Expecting said toddler to have an attention span of greater than 30 seconds to focus on the task at hand. By this time I had started to get frustrated and decided that Ellie would be less distracted if Daddy had the camera and Mommy sat on the ground with the kids. Mistake No. 5: Crouching down on the ground while holding two children only five short weeks post c-section. It didn’t work.

Mommy’s Plan B was to now give Ellie time to wake up before regrouping and trying again, so we went inside the store and picked up some apple cider, apple cider donuts, and some cracked corn to feed the ducks. There it was. That was the ticket, I thought. Mommy had redeemed herself from forcing everyone to take pictures by getting food for the ducks. Ellie and Daddy went down to the pond; however, we soon discovered that well fed ducks aren’t hungry ducks. Mistake No. 6: Not taking note that Lyman’s Orchard has several hundred people visiting over the course of the weekend and probably sells an overpriced sack of cracked corn to every family that makes a purchase in the store. So the ducks and other water fowl were not that interested in the food we had for them, but Ellie still had great fun helping Daddy throw the corn into the water (okay, so her little throws didn’t quite make it off of the shore).

By this time I had decided to give it one last shot so we headed back over to the pumpkin patch. Mistake No. 7: Taking said toddler back to the place where she previously just had a tantrum only allows for an even bigger tantrum the second time around. I snapped a couple more photos and another couple with a young child also took some family photos for us as well. They must have understood. We packed up and left and, on our way home, drove past another pumpkin patch. I knew I still didn’t have the perfect picture I was seeking, so I drug the whole family out of the minivan... again. Mistake No. 8: Thinking that I can apply all of the same techniques just previously used and expect a different result.

I never did get my “perfect” family photo, but the ones I did get tell an interesting tale. Just another reminder that the “mother” I want to be is very much unrealistic and far from my current reality. Oh well, this mom of two under two is starting to realize that my utopia is simply that, a utopia. The Stepford Wife in me has been hushed... at least until next fall rolls around.

~Sarah E. Rose~

Grayson James Rose

So it's been a while since our last post. Things have been busy for us with a toddler in the house, but even busier now that we have a newborn again. That's right, the couple who was told so many years ago that they'd never have children just had their third baby on Friday, September 9, 2011!! Our son, Grayson James, was born at 2:15pm weighing 8 pounds and 11 ounces and 21 inches long. We are elated, albeit a bit tired, and are so thankful for God's blessing of another child. Maybe we should send a letter to that fertility clinic we visited so many years ago and tell them about the power of prayer.

Eleanor Jayden Rose

It's a GIRL!!!! Eleanor "Ellie" Jayden Rose arrived this morning at 8:59am weighing 10 pounds and 8.5 ounces and 20.5 inches long. We are thrilled beyond words and are greatly looking forward to this new chapter of our lives!

Wordless Wednesdays

Baby EJ - 11 weeks, 6 days

Today was my third prenatal appointment and second ultrasound. Everything looks fine - Baby EJ's heartbeat was strong: 150bpm. We still have been unable to detect the heartbeat with a doppler, so we haven't heard it yet (the ultrasound equipment only counts the beats), so we a look forward to hearing that precious "thump-thump-thump-thump" soon! Take a look at the photo below...Baby EJ is starting to look, well, more baby like!

~Sarah E. Rose~

Whirlwind Tour of New England

We were fortunate to enjoy and share our vacation with Justin’s mother Dee while touring the New England states. We started off with a road trip to visit our friends, Derek and Katie, in New Bedford / Dartmouth, Massachusetts (driving through Rhode Island, of course) on Sunday. While we were there, we decided to stop in and tour the New Bedford Whaling Museum. Then on Tuesday we headed to Old Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts and up to New Hampshire to visit Dee’s friend, Kellee. From there we headed to the White Mountains, just barely visited Maine (literally!) and then came back home through Vermont. So there, we got them all in: Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine, and Vermont!

Baby EJ - 7 weeks, 6 days

Today we had our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound. Sarah's doctor said everything looks great and our official due date is March 30th. Baby EJ had a heartbeat of 163bpm and was hanging upside down when we had the ultrasound so Justin has dubbed Baby EJ as his little possum!

Rock the Sound NYC

I won Worship Passes to Rock the Sound NYC 2009 which included two tickets to three separate concerts each featuring three guest bands and one main performer. The first performance was on Friday night, so on Friday afternoon we hopped on a train headed to NYC. Friday night we saw The Afters, Run Kid Run, Phil Wickham, and the Newsboys. The Newsboys were AWESOME and amazing performers - we especially loved Michael Tait, their new lead singer (he was previously with DC Talk). After the concert Friday night, we headed to Times Square - this was Justin's first trip to NYC. He loved it! He was like a little kid looking at all the lights :) We spent the night at the New Yorker Hotel near the concert venue (they actually shared a wall they were so close). Saturday morning we took a leisurely stroll around Manhattan - even visited the New York Public Library (remember Ghostbusters?) and enjoyed lunch in Bryant Park. The next concert started Saturday afternoon and featured Superchick, Aaron Shust, Tenth Avenue North, and Jeremy Camp. There was another concert Saturday evening that we also had tickets to, but I was way too tired to stay any longer and we hadn't made hotel arrangements for Saturday evening AND we still had a two hour train ride ahead of us. I was really disappointed because the last concert featured my FAVORITE Christian artist - Casting Crowns. We decided since we won the tickets, that we should give the last pair away so I headed to the ticket line and ended up giving them to another couple. It was a bittersweet end to the day, but when we stopped back by the hotel to pick up our luggage, we got to meet Jeremy Camp!! God is awesome! We had an amazing (and busy) time and loved every minute of the adventure!!!

~Sarah E. Rose~

Special Announcement

Today would by our angel son's 3rd birthday - how fitting was it that we also found out this week that he is going to be a big brother?!? Yup, we are excited to announce that Sarah is pregnant!!!! Baby "EJ" is due March 30, 2010 and we couldn't be more thrilled. Our first ultrasound is scheduled for August 17th. Please keep us in your prayers and continue to check back for updates.

Debbie's Visit

The past couple of days we have had the pleasure of hosting Sarah's mom's first visit to New England since we moved here last June. We had a brief four day visit, but we were able to cram in a lot of fun sightseeing. Specifically, Sarah's mother, Debbie, is really into weaving and fiber arts so we planned her trip around the New England Weavers Seminar (NEWS) so we could visit and take in some great finds. Justin wasn't able to take the time off from work on Thursday and Friday so Debbie and Sarah headed up to Northampton, MA by themselves to visit the vendors and exhibits at NEWS. Debbie was even able to get in a nice 4-hour visit to WEBS, one of the largest fiber stores in the country!!! Saturday, the three of us spent the morning and early afternoon traveling the Connecticut and Rhode Island coast on our way to visit Debbie's Aunt and Uncle in Rochester, Massachusetts. Debbie has been asking us about Mystic Pizza since we moved up here (it is a restaurant located in Mystic, Connecticut that was made famous by a Julia Roberts film in 1988), so we stopped there on Saturday to check it out. It was, quite honestly, the BEST pizza we have ever had. On Sunday we went to church with Sarah's Great Aunt and Uncle before heading back to Connecticut. It was a brief visit, but we had a blast as usual!!

Walking Off the Pounds For Hunger

My AMAZING Weight Watchers Leader Kari put together a 5K for all of her Weight Watchers groups in response to a Weight Watchers challenge to get members to move more. The entry fee was simple: make a food donation equal to the amount of weight you had lost. Ninety of us participated and donated over 2,500lbs of food to five local food pantries. I was super excited to participate even though it meant coming up with a 70lb food donation!!!

~Sarah E. Rose~